This year has been packed with wonderful moments, bouts of sadness, career transitions, many stressful nights, doubts about this blog and too many job applications. I started my year on a high, I finally spent some time visiting my sister in her Manhattan apartment and strolling the chilly streets of New York. In the winter the city is almost quiet and still, the snow gently falls between all those tall historic buildings and just for a moment, I imagine it's just me and the city. I spent a lot of time wandering alone, (while my sister was working) reacquainting myself with some of my favorite spots in the city. In March I was apart of my brother's wedding, it was filled with happiness, joy and tears I tried to fight back when the bride and groom exchanged their vows. It was beautiful and elegant without being over the top. It was filled with pink, mint and off white accents all around the ball room. It was a picture perfect spring day and fulfilling to witness a southern wedding.
After coming home from seeing my sister and brother, I flew back to California to be welcomed with family loss. It was torture watching my parents go through so much sadness and it became difficult to deal with in the midst of my final semesters of school and work. I dove into my studies head first and tried to concentrate on projects at work to sidetrack my feelings. And while I was happy at work, I was wanting something more. More responsibility, more trust, bigger projects and a voice to be heard. I spent my summer filling out job applications and going into interviews confident with my experience and education. By the end of the summer, I had nothing. No job in sight and I was starting to wonder what I was actually worth. Going into fall, I finally came across a full time position in my dream field, I went for it, gave it all I had and got the job. It was the happiest moment of the year, I was finally moving forward in the right direction.
And now that we are near the closing of the year, those feelings of sadness that I never quite got over from this past spring have crept in to remind me of loss and my personal health, both mentally and physically. On the outside I am a very upbeat person who smiles all the time. Really, I am incredibly hard on myself about everything from work, school and my home life. Like most women I fall victim to having a perfectionist mentality and when I can't reach that perfection, I feel like a failure. Inevitably, I then resort to pasta or dessert and can become extremely anti-social. Learning to be happy with who I am, (seriously though this is a big problem for me) and letting go is my biggest problem. Looking up, standing tall and walking with confidence (instead of keeping my head down and being ashamed of stupid little flaws) would be the biggest achievement for myself. That is what I plan on working on for the new year. What is the biggest problem you have with yourself, how do you deal with it and how will you work on becoming stronger and happier.
(I also promise not use the word change or fix when referring to myself in the new year, this journey is about being happy with yourself. Do not fix or change who you are!)
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