So, I'm Turning 30

(I wouldn't necessarily say I'm happy, but I'm getting there.)

So I'm turning thirty in three days and even though it is just a number there are so many feelings about turning a year older this year. Not that it's my 'scary age' but I am definitely having a hard time grasping that A. I'll be 30 and B. I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be at this age. I remember around February of last year I was in the shower contemplating every life choice I'd ever made, which is somewhat normal and regular for me. It usually leads to panic and anxiety but then is usually calmed with a glass of wine. Normally, I have music or the television playing in the background but I was so consumed in all these thoughts that I broke down crying, alone in my shower. I felt alone, unaccomplished and weak, I had just found out I didn't get a job I really wanted. It went to someone who had two masters degrees instead of just one.

 I beat myself to death over this, I'll never be good enough. I'll never be enough, period! Someone is always better than me. There's a lot of pent up frustration and anxiety when it comes to my work life and that rage turns into self criticism and destruction. I wanted more out of my life and I expected so much from myself, I didn't understand why I wasn't where I wanted to be. And even though I'm still waiting for that dream job, I realize now I could shake my 28 year old self. There were so many great things that happened to me in the last two years but I was so blinded by fear, anger and anxiety that I couldn't see all the wonderful things that were happening in my life at the time. 

 So with all these pent up emotions, I'm trying to accept my 30th birthday and start this new chapter with a new appreciation for life and lots of self care (and no it is not selfish, we'll talk about at length in upcoming posts). Besides, 30 is the new 20 - haven't you heard?



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