Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Fall Goals: Be Home

When you're home, are you really at home? Or is your mind elsewhere - work, kids, your side hustle? When you think of librarians, you probably imagine a dull life in which every drawer in her house is filled with a bunch of sweaters. In fact, it's the opposite. The problem with being an educator, your mind is constantly going a thousand miles a minute. And it never stops. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was up until two in the morning because my brain decided to kick into overdrive; unfortunately this all too familiar feeling is something most Americans share. I knew I couldn't go to sleep until these two ideas were written down on paper - so I turned on my lamp, dragged out my binder and started outlining and creating design plans at 2:15 in the morning, this is a problem, I know! Don't get me wrong I love what I do but it wasn't until this last Sunday, I noticed something I hadn't felt in years. The front and back doors were open, I had Gilmore Girls on downstairs with a candle lit and I was reading a magazine and eating lunch, it felt so good. My mind was completely at rest. This feeling seemed so foreign to me. 

I've been coming home after work for a year now without having to think about school, yet this sense of peace was never there and for someone who depends on a quiet home after work hours to recharge, I didn't realize I was never truly alone with myself. I hadn't felt so alert and aware. It was like I came out of a meditative state and woke up- the smell of my lotion, the autumnal fragrance of the candle my sister lit, the sound of the birds outside, the homemade meal I had just made. I want to say it made me happy, but really it just made me upset. I'm sad that I strive for balance and try to be in the moment, I actually think I'm someone who lives in the present but really, I've been absent for so long. So to kick off the first of my fall goals is when I'm home, to actually be present.